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Recommended by Drew MagaryTime for your Tuesday edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Email me here or submit your questions via Twitter. Today, we’re covering cops, grocery stores, garbage, microwaves, and more. But first, an announcement.
A bit of news before we get to the letters today. First off, I’m rechristening the Deadspin mailbag the Deadspin Funbag. It makes sense for what we do here. Secondly, you don’t want funbags unless they come in pairs. That goes without saying. So I’m expanding the mailbag to twice a week. Not splitting. Doubling. First funbag runs on Tuesday. Second one runs in the old 2:20 Jamboroo slot on Thursdays. Believe tommy hilfiger uk me, we’ve got more than enough material to co tommy hilfiger uk ver it. So make room for those funbags, children. Now, the letters:
Do you ever throw something in the garbage and then strategically move other trash to prevent anyone else from seeing whatever embarrassing thing you just threw away? Candy bar wrappers are one of my most popular items that require this move because I’m positive my wife would be pissed if she knew I had a candy bar. Then again, she’d probably be more pissed if she found out that I was pathetic enough to move an old envelope and orange peel in order to obstruct the view of my Twix wrapper.
Yes, absolutely I do that. I do it with candy bar wrappers because, as John said, the wife will give me a dirty look. That’s a look you never want to see. It makes you feel like a fucking kindergartener. “Oh, Drew. Drew. You had ANOTHER 100 Grand bar? Oh, you big fat husband of mine.” I can’t take that scrutiny. I want to enjoy my candy bar free from judgment. I’M ONLY HUMAN. MAYBE YOU CAN RESIST CRISPED RICE FOR THAT LONG BUT I CAN’T! AREN’T YOU JUST POLLY FUCKING PERFECT?!
I also make it a point to occasionally bury beer cans under other garbage so that it looks like I had less beer than I consumed in actuality. Look! Only three cans are visible! I couldn’t have had that whole six pack! The other three cans were clearly stolen by some sort of invisible elephant.
This is also a strategy I deploy tommy hilfiger uk when working in any office. Let’s say there’s a candy dish sitting out. Now, I am a fat person, so I’m magnetized to any and all chocolate goods. So I’ll happily devour three hundred pieces of candy from that dish. But then I look at the trash, see all the wrappers, and realize what a horrendous fat fuck I am. I don’t want anyone else to know this. I don’t even want to know it myself. I want to hide it from my eyes so I don’t remind myself. Hence, I’ll top those wrappers with papers and shit. COVERUP: COMPLETE.
There are any number of things that a man will bury in other garbage to prevent its discovery by others: wrappers, cans, porn, booger tissues (the real Jackson Pollock ones), nut rags (if you’re too lazy to toss it in the toilet), embarrassing internet printouts, skidmarked boxers, fingernail trimmings, and God knows what else. You ever see those shots of paparazzi digging through the garbage of stars? That terrifies me. If anyone ever went through my garbage, they’d be horrified. There should be a fucking biohazard symbol on the lid.